Once you have your list, it’s time to get out there and meet people. It’s about paring down to someone who is really special for you.” Those couples that are in divorce mode right now, a lot of them in their younger years thought ‘I want to get married, here’s a person, I’ll get married to them,’ whether they were right or not. “It’s being really clear about what you want and really going for someone who is right for you versus someone who makes you feel safe. “Why would you go for something bland like potato soup when you could potentially order a lobster? Something unique, something you really want,” she says. An easy way to begin to tailor your list it to keep in mind the Potato Soup versus Lobster theory, Murzello says. Take out duplicates, couple themes together and delete unnecessary characteristics. ![]() Take the bad characteristics and add them to your "no" column and add the good characteristics of people that you've met to the “yes” column. Some questions to consider: What are your deal breakers? How do you value certain characteristics on your list? Will you allow outside influences (family, friends) to dictate what is on your list? Use your experiences, both bad and good, to your advantage, Murzello recommends. ![]() Red Flags 5 Relationship Warning Signs Couples Should Never Ignore Murzello developed the list as a tool to help people really define what it is they’re looking for in a romantic partner. ![]() Those couples really got down to the nitty gritty and said this is where I won’t compromise and this is why we’re lasting because we still have faith in those few characteristics that really drive us through.” How to Create Your Own Love List Like a healthy lifestyle or having a family … you can’t be sitting on the fence. What about the couples who stayed together? “They are very decisive with their list, and they weren’t willing to compromise. When people who don’t know themselves get together, you either have to grow together or you grow apart and that’s what I found a lot of these couples were growing apart because they just didn’t know what they wanted and who they were.” “I find that some people don’t know themselves enough to be in a relationship, to commit to another person. The common denominator Murzello identified between them? They didn’t know themselves, she says. And since then, some of the married couples she interviewed have divorced. I’m still partial to dark denim jeans, but if you don’t own a pair we’ll get you some.” You need to know who you are before you can know what you want "The things that really matter are those personality-based traits like honesty, trustworthiness, a solid family and friend base, that kind of stuff lasts. “My list from my 20s was 55 characteristics - it had a lot of superficial, physical stuff, and my list at 30 kind of took that away because you know what? Looks do fade," she says. And there was a clear evolution between the characteristics that made the cut now, versus the ones that her 19-year-old self had jotted down 10 years earlier. With this research under her belt, Murzello sat down right before her 30th birthday and crafted a new list. Love Lessons How to Be a Better Dater: Follow This Four-Step Plan How did my list fail me? Did it change? Did he personify the list and then I changed? Did I really need a list? These were the questions that ran through Murzellos head. I kind of went into a hibernation and I went back to grad school." The next weekend he broke up with me in three months they were engaged, in six months they were married, and then they moved into the apartment that we lived in together. It ended when he went to Vegas for a bachelor party and met a girl. “A month later I ended up meeting my boyfriend at the time and we had a lengthy 10-year relationship. “I wrote 55 characteristics and it had everything from dark denim jeans, to straight teeth, to 5’11” to 6’3” … all this detail,” she told NBC News BETTER. Elena Murzello developed the "love list" as a tool to help people identify what they are looking for in a potential partner. But applying it to her dating life wasn’t a success for Murzello the first time around. ![]() More often than not, you forget the one thing you went shopping for in the first place because it wasn’t so apparent when you were browsing the shelves." "The reevaluation begins when you stare at your half-full grocery cart as you wait in line and realize that you don’t really need half the stuff that you put in your cart. "Without a list, you base your purchases on how hungry you are and end up grabbing random items you don’t need, like pretzel-covered peanut-butter snacks," writes Murzello in the book.
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